If we check out the our mom-dad era, there marriage have been successful because they were ready for compromises, stand by each other decisions and respect each other. Nowdays when people plan for Marriage there expectations are Highly educated girl, good looking, Good family, Employed. Once they get such a girl they expect her to Cook food, look after kids, take care of parents. So its like getting impressed with Mercedes Benz car and buying it and dumping it because its not giving you mileage. Its not the case with just male, but same is the case with females. So people just think of what are your terms of Happy married life and then what your partners needs to do to support you. And on basis of this looks out for your Husband/wife. Don't just go by face value terms it can be real disaster..... I have been married for last 6 years I am IT professional who loves food, family values and believes in traditional Indian culture. My wife is house wife she cooks really gr8 food, takes care of House hold stuff, kids and respects my parents and above all we love each other and ready to do adjustments for each other. She is just the right person I always wanted in my life. I never cared of she is not earning, whether her family is rich. If she can take care of household and I can manage financial stuff then we contribute to our lives equally and are happy about it.
Re: Its like buying a expensive car and you can't afford the mile
by vinod on Nov 22, 2012 01:41 PM
Great santosh
I also followed up the principle of marrying non - working women i never expected a girl from a good financial background i married a girl who is average looking & non working I compromised in everything but the only thing she needs from me is money , chalo shopping , chalo holiday manathe hai , chalo dinner bahar, only enjoyment in life & the worst part is she does not like my parents staying with her & still the best part is she asks me to recharge her mobile to talk to parents & always tells them gime a ring i will call back to you , life is miserable yaar & if divorced then gone case from average life style I would come to Footpath
Re: Re: Its like buying a expensive car and you can't afford the
by santosh dhongade on Nov 22, 2012 02:03 PM
I dont mean you compromise on looks, richness and education of the partner, but important is that partners need to mutually agree on points that for each others happy life. Just don't get frustrated talk and make your wife realize what she is being doing may not be the right thing. If she wants you to respect her family expect the same from her towards your family. Small fights, disagreements will always be there, but at the end they help people to come closer and realize what there partners are expecting.
Re: Its like buying a expensive car and you can't afford the mile
by abc_xyz abc_xyz on Nov 22, 2012 01:41 PM
Excellent point made Mr. Santhosh. There are certain things that only a women can do (pregnancy, breast-feeding, taking care of kids, nurturing love). While I see so many successful women in my office spening 12-14hrs a day at work/commute, I have always wondered if they really handle their personal life well. Of course, you have servant maids to take care of house, creche to take care of kids, parents/in-laws to take care of other misc stuff, but can anyone replace a mother's role?
Re: Its like buying a expensive car and you can't afford the mile
by Khokon Marachhe on Nov 22, 2012 10:41 AM
Great Mr. Santosh ! That is the essence of a family life. Hat's off ! Have a wonderful family life ahead.
Re: Its like buying a expensive car and you can't afford the mile
by Vishwanathan Anand on Nov 22, 2012 10:56 AM
You are right Santosh, All the best for your married life.
Just an addition I feel we must keep in mind that taking care of household IS A BIGGER TASK than managing the financial side.
Re: Its like buying a expensive car and you can't afford the mile
by hasile fisile on Nov 23, 2012 12:33 AM
you wanted a housewife. Your wife wanted to be a housewife. You both got what you want.
But please don't generalise as if it's the "perfect" solution for happy marriage.
I've seen housewives in miserable marriage where husband barely gives any money to run home and call her names like 8itch in front of her own kids....and I've also seen housewives making life of her husband and in-laws miserable.
Congrats that you have a happy marriage....but please don't generalise!!
Every man and woman need financial independence in marriage.
Re: Re: Its like buying a expensive car and you can't afford the
by santosh dhongade on Nov 23, 2012 10:51 AM
Its not about whats the perfect solution, its about the essence of marriage is mutual understanding, dependency and compromise. Now days with Women and men both dipped in Corporate culture world, the so called financial independence has lead to both Husband and wife being stubborn, egoistic and not ready for compromises. They feel perfectly happy with there friends, colleagues, teammates they get everything and no need to be with family. They don't have time for there parents, kids and husband/wife, so they simply feel family relations are burden and avoid them. This is all western culture(I have been in canada for 2 years) where Parents, kids, husband and wife nobody bothers or cares for each other all their priority is personal pleasures/needs.
Man and Woman are physically compatible with each other;but psychologically tear away from each other. It is the question of matching of the wave lengths of both, without any slip up or reverses and it is toughest in the present age esp in the metropolitan cities where women are highly accomplished in all respects,career, academic credentials,financial strength wise. Hence men are required to come out of their conservative mold and keep pace with the temper of the time.
She works in a private firm but I dont know her exact salary and how she spends it.But she wants everything from me. Recently spent more than Rs. 50,000/- on her treatment for TB of uterus. Still she keeps barking what have u done for me.She spends her money only on buying clothes or to meet the demands of her greedy parents. Her father says what she earns is her security for future. She is out for 10 to 11 hrs a day. She dosent bother to talk to my parents but expects me to be nice to her parents, most of household work is also done by my old mother where as she does selected work.She is very hostile to my mother for no rhyme and reason.She even can't stand me talking to my mom in front of her.Though my mom has been always kind to her and taken care of her during her sickness many times.These days she has become very mannerless and keeps accusing me for her not being able to conceive and other problems in the marriage. Now what to do with such a woman.
Re: Take the case of my wife
by Li Na on Nov 21, 2012 07:17 PM
if your marriage is that bad...consult a counsellor...or atleast write a letter explaining all this to your wife (talking would always end up in fights).
If it still doesn't work....just divorce....better divorced and happy than married and miserable.
But make the divorce and intelligent one where you leave all your baggage and start life anew, without bickering.
Re: Re: Take the case of my wife
by shashwat on Nov 21, 2012 07:26 PM
In India divorce is virtually impossible unless its by mutual consent which seems a little difficult in this case. My wife is too insensitive a person to understand what I feel even if I give it in writing.
Re: Take the case of my wife
by Arun Premraj on Nov 21, 2012 08:00 PM
u need to get a grip on ur life.. draw some lines n some ultimatums for urself n ur marriage..n ur self respect.. if she can comply to even half of them..give it a shot or else consult a counseller.. no point being a doormat anymore
Re: Re: Take the case of my wife
by Madhu Dua on Nov 21, 2012 10:53 PM
Arun, but in most of the cases, I think "doormat" is a reality. Not sure if you are married, but for most of my male friends, that is pretty much the story.
The scene is pretty depressing. Unfortunately, there is no place to go to. For women, there are so many organizations and law and everything; what about men?? What do they do? "Abuse" does not just mean "physical" abuse...the constant trauma and mental abuse that we men are subjected to...there is no redressal for that...to me, it really seems to be a woman's world...
Re: Take the case of my wife
by Baingan Bharta on Nov 22, 2012 09:47 AM
@Shashwat, You have allowed yourself to be dominated. Marriage is a compromise where both husband as well as wife have to compromise. The ratio of compromise.
Re: Take the case of my wife
by raja on Nov 22, 2012 10:04 AM
Ma dear ur just increasing fear in ma mind. Turning 28 this year however, not able to make a decision abut ma marriage as i too have one lone mom and she is the god's best gift to me. I am just afraid what will happen after my marriage....
Re: Re: Take the case of my wife
by shashwat on Nov 22, 2012 12:20 PM
Mr Raja, If u really love ur mom just try to judge the nature of the girl u wish to marry, ask her bluntly if she is comfortable with the idea of living with your parents.
Re: Take the case of my wife
by Khokon Marachhe on Nov 22, 2012 10:50 AM
Dear Mr. Shashwat, though I don't have any right to suggest you anything about your personal life but as a friend may I ask you the following: Have you ever tried to know what she wants, and she likes ? She cann't go wrong from the day 1 of your marrieage ? that means something might have hurt her ! As a Man don't bother for her earning, be a sport and chivalrous to ignore, she will automatically open up ! Go for outing, spend some quality time together and be out of materialistic world for sometime ! Say and show her that how much you love and care for her ! Being nice to her parents like yours will not cause you any harm ! Despite doing these, if she remains same then you either must take her to a Psychologist/Psychiatrist or mutually separate. I personally feel divorce is not the only solution but compassion is all about ! Wishing you all the best and happy married life hereafter.
Re: Re: Take the case of my wife
by shashwat on Nov 22, 2012 12:11 PM
Thanks MrKhokon for your kind concern, But I have tried most of the things that you hv suggested. As I mentioned I spent so much on her medical treatment, took so much care of her whenever she has been unwell. Gave her expensive gifts on anniversary and her birthdays. Still her attitude remains hostile. These days she has become unimaginably rude. Her parents are not much in touch with me, but last time when I and my mom complained about her behaviour they blindly supported their daughter and instead started finding faults in me. Now tell me what can I do.
Re: Re: Re: Take the case of my wife
by abhbhat on Nov 22, 2012 12:54 PM
if she is not taking care before kid is born, chances are you will get more ignored after kid. But every girl nowadays are like that. So separation will not help. Counselling will also not help. Here is an idea: Call a junior friend or a domestic worker or even younger brother to your house and bring up this topics of issues. Chances are that in presence of someone who wont go into preaching mode, you both will go into parent mindset and start to understand deeper needs of each other. Take care of your mom but dont involve her as a reason of your mariage trouble. Old Moms prefer peace than become part of any problem or any solution. Good luck you are not alone with such issues..there are many and increasing such situations.
The percent of unhappy marriages have pretty much remained the same. It's just that, there is no longer taboo about divorce and women have an identity of their own and no longer feel that they should tolerate all wrong doings of husband and can walk out.
Cases like "Coz he didn't buy me a house in my desired location within 2 yrs" are exceptional cases, not the norm. Most divorces have good reasons.
It's wrong to blame a particular gender or attitude as reasons for divorce. It boils down to individuals.
If your marriage is not working, try a marriage counsellor...no shame in that. If even that fails....it's better to walk out of marriage. It's better to live happy as a divorcee than live a looooooong marriage without any happiness.
