The following things should make marraige work : a. Both are mentally prepared for taking up the responsibilities. b. Compatability c. Desire to grow, evolve and age together d. Respect and love towards each other. e. Money and materials should come later bond and basic sensitivity towards each other. f. Patience and compassion too that every body is human.
Last but not the least they should not forget why they got married in the first place and commitments should be honoured with heart.
I agree with the author on most counts. As a male, I have no qualms about agreeing that I have a smart, educated and caring wife.She is however emotionally demanding. Other than her work she does not have any major hobby, so she expects that I spend every minute of my home time doing what she wants me to do. And given that she works as well, it is fair that I do my fair share of home related work. We have agreed to what that is and now it is no more an issue.
Today we have so many divorces that one wonders if these people can actually get along with any one at all. One of the major things about marriage is flexibility. Giving each other space and yet sharing with each other. If you decide it is your way or the highway, it cannot work!
If we check out the our mom-dad era, there marriage have been successful because they were ready for compromises, stand by each other decisions and respect each other. Nowdays when people plan for Marriage there expectations are Highly educated girl, good looking, Good family, Employed. Once they get such a girl they expect her to Cook food, look after kids, take care of parents. So its like getting impressed with Mercedes Benz car and buying it and dumping it because its not giving you mileage. Its not the case with just male, but same is the case with females. So people just think of what are your terms of Happy married life and then what your partners needs to do to support you. And on basis of this looks out for your Husband/wife. Don't just go by face value terms it can be real disaster.....
Re: Set your expectations right
by Rajiv on Dec 08, 2012 07:28 PM
Nicely written... "but same is the case with females. " Can you give an example here ?
The divorce laws have changed and if the marriages reaches the stage of divorce, girls' families have been known to use section 498 (a) to harass the boy's families even getting little kids locked up in jail and getting red corner lookout notices issued.
There was a time girls had to meet their friends to bitch about their husbands and mother-in-laws. Today all of that is much quicker on FB AND Whatsapp. Divorced friends spread the venom faster. Marriages break quicker. The divorce rate in Mumbai is over 40%. There's no hope for any change. Marriage as an institution is dead in urban India.
Our grandparents' generation had a much better marriage-success rate when women realized that there were some things they were better equipped to do and looked after them. With the way things now are, you're going to produced a whole generation of children who have never received the love and attention they should have. Broken families will increase exponentially. It will take a long time before people see sense. The west has already realized that women's liberation has failed. India, as always, will take its own time to catch up.
Re: marriage
by hasile fisile on Nov 26, 2012 04:47 PM
Wow Anushka, you are quick to blame women for the bad marriage....but it only exposes ur ignorance!
Women didn't choose to be born of this gender...if she finds more happiness in earning money...who are you to deny them that?? Is it the job of only women to provide love and care?? Why can't a mother and father take turns to raise child??
It's wrong to expect your parents and maids to raise your child...but it is equally wrong to lock up women inside house and expect them to take care of kids.
Mother can take a break from career for the first 5 yrs...then mebbe father can take a break from career for the next 5 yrs...after which kid needs lesser attention.
Your observation that grandparents' generation had a much better marriage success rate is also grossly wrong and inaccurate. Women just swallowed their suffering or men just tolerated bad marriages - simply because walking out of the marriage was not an option. My grandmother's marriage was an utter failure. She was a housewife - but failed to shower any affection on all her kids.
Did she have a looong marriage? YES. Did she have a happy marriage? NO.
There may be many, many examples...but ppl in those generation and our parents' generation believed in "ghar ki baat ghar mein rehne do"
You are also wrong when you say that women's emancipation is a western phenomenon. Read what Vedas and Manu says, and you'd realise that Vedic Period strongly believed that women should be independent and not confined to 4 wal
Re: Re: marriage
by Abineet Kumar on Nov 26, 2012 10:01 PM
Your reply "s it the job of only women to provide love and care?? Why can't a mother and father take turns to raise child??" needs to be answered" In the olden days responsibility of raising child is very well divided bet ween couple lady used to take care of child and men used to earn for family. and both were best at their responsibility. now roles have changed men are expected to take care of child and women to earn. which physically and mentally they are not designed so more problems. there for only till today ladies can give birth to child, not men. you can ask men to raise child with instinct of a lady when men start giving birth to kids.
Re: Re: Re: marriage
by anushka on Nov 26, 2012 11:54 PM
I completely agree Abhineet. I didn't feel like replying to these close-minded girls but you've hit the nail on the head.
Re: Re: Re: Re: marriage
by hasile fisile on Nov 27, 2012 01:43 AM
Anushka, it's better to be close minded with liberal thoughts of equality than be narrow minded with rotten thoughts...like yours and abineet's.
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: marriage
by Rajiv on Dec 08, 2012 07:44 PM
I wish just one thing.. If you are not married, please show this page to your would be and put him in a better position to decide on the marriage. Anushka (nor did anyone) say that women should be kept inside the house like doormat, but its just that 'most'(women) are good in raising the families compared to the men. Again I'm not talking about being a production box that keeps producing babies.. I'm talking about spending time with children and giving them good upbringing.. A father can do his part to.. but most children would feel emotionally close with their mom & discuss financial / planning aspects with my dad.
I know some girls personally, who are too good when it comes to taking care of finances and business (although I'm far ahead statistically :P but I still respect them), but most of these girls fail in domestic responsibilities.
I really wonder how do we make girls understand that being housewife is not an abuse. Infact you can put that to your advantage.. I'm not able to give enough time to some investment chores simply coz my job eats most of my time..
I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone... Do let me know if I'm going wrong.. but I'm so thankful to Anushkha for the comments posted above.. There is atleast one girl who has such balanced view of life.
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: marriage
by anushka on Nov 27, 2012 11:27 AM
The phrases you use like 'rotten thoughts' shows your intolerance and reflects on the way you have been brought up. You can't even disagree with someone in a civil manner. It is you who are close-minded.
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: marriage
by hasile fisile on Nov 27, 2012 12:21 PM
@ anushka....rotten necessarily is not a bad word. it also represents a poetic way of telling that something that might have worked some time ago, but no longer useful. Like 'rotten food'....food that was good yesterday, but unusable today.
Similarly rotten thoughts....might have been relevant a few decades ago....but no longer good.
Women's liberation is the way forward and better for the whole society. Women's liberation necessarily does not equate to that drinking, smoking, partying she devil you've painted.
Re: Re: Re: marriage
by hasile fisile on Nov 27, 2012 01:32 AM
Abineet...i don't think you've read my comment. Why should a woman be forced to lock herself in the house because narrow minded society expects her to??
Working and contributing to the society and earning your own money gives immense satisfaction and a boost to ones esteem.
In many households, there are only daughters. She has every right AND responsibility to earn for her parents and provide for them.
Financial independence by earning have reduced many atrocities against women. Today, if a girl child is born...not everyone cribs thinking "gosh...how much i've to spend for her". The mentality has changed. Today a husband can't rule his wife and expect her to live at his mercy because he's the "man of the house who provides". Also, if husband dies....or is ill and cannot earn till he recovers....today the woman is not at the mercy of relatives to raise kids.
If you think that you cannot provide affection to your child with the same parenting instinct which a mother can....coz you are "the man...the father"....then sorry....you have a long way to go before you can become a good parent. True parenting emotionally involves both.
Raising kids SHOULD be a joint responsibility. It's only logical that in the initial years of the baby, mother needs to take a career sabbatical.
Everything in our grandparents age or their parents age was not perfect - like dowry system, child marriages, sati system. Change happens for a reason....we should accept asp
Re: Re: Re: Re: marriage
by shashi phatak on Dec 04, 2012 12:09 PM
After reading the thoughts liberated women, the freedom they want from House work and from raising children, similarly Husbands do not want their wives who do not want cook and a man cannot look after children. It is HIGH time in India, in urban cities there should be NO marriage, No children, No responsibity, No adjustment. Just make live in relationships, but No children. It will help in Population control. Next 30 years later lot of problems of crowding, availibility of flats, water, transport will be solved.
Re: Re: Re: Re: marriage
by Rajiv on Dec 08, 2012 08:03 PM
Is it so that most 'liberty seeking women' want to be free from household work ? They look upon all housewives as women who are beaten up whole day ?
Don't you think that cribbing around fame in the name of liberty is a spoil sport for marriage or children ? For instance, I know of some women who have entered arranged marriage only to realize that they are bored of their husbands or social life. Either they look for parting ways or even worse, look for some Mr. Hyde's shoulder perhaps the best place is work place. Why do most working & liberty seeking wives take undue advantage of it ? Does liberty really go well with them ?
PS: I'm not saying you or 'all' working & liberal girls are unfaithful, but given the freedom, they have reduced tolerances (to trivial things like finances and boredom). They look to live life queen-size and committ the same old mistakes that men had committed ages ago. Once again, this is what I've seen for so long, I'd be happy if that is not true.
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: marriage
by hasile fisile on Dec 31, 2012 02:06 AM
household work is drab and boring. i don't get how people get excited over housework...but read my comments again. should a woman be expected to take care of housework...just coz she's a woman??
you comment that you know women who are good at finances (you apparently are "statiscally" ahead....but why on earth do i care)...but fail at housework. may i ask what sort of comparison is that?? how good are YOU at housework?? i don't see any comment about working men and housework...why the comment about working women and housework?? is the hallmark of a good woman is about how good she handles home and raises kids??
i have been a working woman...i have lived doing only housework. both are equally challenging. being a housewife is definitely tougher, as it also is a very thankless job.
what i am emphasising through all my comments here is - painting a housewife as an abused doormat is wrong. but painting a working woman as a partying, drinking, backbiting, scheming, flirty woman is equally wrong....and that's what all you "balanced view" people are doing.
and as for your comment "If you are not married, please show this page to your would be and put him in a better position to decide on the marriage"......believe me....narrow minded men wouldn't even get to the point of meeting me....leave alone getting to the point of marrying me.
Not clear what the author is trying to say. She used up over 2/3rd to set the context and remaining 1/3rd on some recommendations in conflict with the core theme of the article
The problem, as the author points out, is the emancipation of women. Today any girl with even half a brain has a job and gradually that pays well. By their mid-twenties they are out throughout the day, make good money and return late. Very few girls want to give up their independence of being out throughout the day apart from the financial independence that their jobs gives them. Spending the day at home, being answerable to a mother-in-law or their husbands is unthinkable for many of them. The era of 9 to 5 jobs has long gone. These girls come back by late evening, are not inclined to cook or manage the house in any way. Many do not want joint families at all and actively work at breaking the family horizontally.
A lot of women smoke and drink freely. This affects their health, their looks, affects their chances of conceiving. This they think is being 'liberated'.
Couples split responsibilities, keeping their kids in creches for as long as 9 and 10 pm or dump them with servants. There is social pressure of spending money on a flat, cars, big brands, all of this creates stress. There's no time to even make love. A lot of women do not have time for the family and won't even part with their salaries. So there's really no reason why a man should end up with one of them. Add to this the headaches of having to deal with a fresh set of relatives and you have an even bigger disincentive. The divorce laws have changed and if the marriages reaches the stage of divorce, girls' famili
Re: Women and their emancipation
by Li Na on Nov 26, 2012 01:36 AM
It is sad that ppl are blaming women for unhappy marriages. Fact is, the percent of unhappy marriage has pretty much remained the same.
Earlier, men had affairs, beat her to pulp or woman made marriage tough with emotional torture or lack of respect for husband...etc. But marriage meant "till death do us apart".
Today, ppl have the option of walking out and is no longer seen as a taboo.
Today the reasons may have shifted...wife may not get along with m-i-l, wife doesn't take care of responsibilities, husbands don't share work, affairs, etc.
It's unfair to blame the woman alone for breaking marriage. If wife comes home late...husband can come home early.
If wife is expected to take a career sabbatical....husband should also take a career sabbatical at later yrs.
The typical "couple" you have described is not the majority situation.
A woman is as passionate about carving a niche for herself...just as any man is. The roles may slightly still be different....but men should also be prepared to do household chores.
Re: Re: Women and their emancipation
by Arun on Nov 26, 2012 02:11 AM
Not all men "beat" their women like you claim. That also is a percentage and I know many women who beat their men and also harass them infront of everyone talking filthy.
Freedom is a dangerous weapon in wrong hands and that sense of freedom is what is the problem. My parents had indifferences and sometimes my mom adjusted and sometimes my dad did. Now all that is happening is that men are forced to accept and the laws are misused against them for no reasons. Go and read so many stories where the blood sucking parasitic women suck them dry.
Re: Re: Re: Women and their emancipation
by Li Na on Nov 26, 2012 02:28 AM
if you read my comment carefully, you'd see i've mentioned that woman emotionally tortured their husbands and don't respect them...
i've nowhere claimed that all men beat their wives!
Re: Re: Re: Women and their emancipation
by Li Na on Nov 26, 2012 02:35 AM
yes....there are a lot of stories where women make life of husband and family miserable and i personally know a woman like that.
But what I'm trying to say is that reasons may have slightly changed....but overall the % of unhappy marriage is still the same....no one can declare one reason and thus a solution for it....there may be hundreds of reasons.
But it is terribly unfair and foolhardy and incorrect to blame women alone for marital woes.
Re: Women and their emancipation
by hasile fisile on Nov 26, 2012 05:07 PM
You have a very myopic view of the whole scenario of unhappy marriages...none of which have any sound ground or reality.
If you think that women...for the very fact that she's woman should spend her day cleaning homes, taking care of husband, raising kids, then you really would find your brethren in taliban.
The fact that woman should be independent is mentioned by Manu himself. A woman locked in her home finds no happiness...thus it can't be a happy marriage.
Most divorce cases i've seen around me have some solid reasons....husband turned alcoholic, husband turned abusive towards children, husband too controlling.
This ofcourse is not to say that women are pure gold...there are many abusive women as well!! But the case I know....she's a housewife and abusive towards her kids and has thrown out her in-laws....and she's not the "drinking, smoking, working she-devil" you've described.
The expectations have enormously increased with movies and television as well as careless marketing of all sundry products including food with no quality.added wth high cost of living with every day increasing prices and corruption and Govt. polcies with people interest no where.There is fast increasing rate of suicides and murders in all classes of the society.Only rich and corrupt politicians, bureaucrats ,Govt.traders,Industrialist flourish and grow richer.Poor are the most exploited.
Typical of many Indian houses, my mother (i.e., my wife's mother-in-law) and my wife are not in very good terms, although they don't fight like we see in films.
But my married life (and our home) is fine. You wonder how!
This is how: I know, understand and realise that my wife can never be like my mother. At her best she can be only like her mother.
This understanding helps not to have false expectation and subsequent inevitable misery!
Re: Mother-in-law and Wife
by hasile fisile on Nov 26, 2012 04:56 PM
though you are not saying it explicitly....but indirectly, you believe your mother to be more superior than your m-i-l. You expect your wife to look at her m-i-l as an amazing person whom she should imitate...while your own opinion about your m-i-l is no good?!!
I bet even your wife believes "I have a happy marriage...the reason is i understand and realise that my husband can never be like my father. at his best can only be like his father. This understanding helps not to have false expectation and subsequent inevitable misery!"
Re: Re: Mother-in-law and Wife
by Rajiv on Dec 08, 2012 08:09 PM
Do you mean men & women should have equal responsibilities after their marriage.. even if one is not able to handle them well ? And in that case, the other should look to part ways ?
Re: Re: Re: Mother-in-law and Wife
by hasile fisile on Dec 31, 2012 01:38 AM
Do you mean men & women should have equal responsibilities after their marriage: YES. even if one is not able to handle them well: YES...learn to do it...or take new responsibilities. And in that case, the other should look to part ways ? WHERE DO I SAY ANYTHING ABOUT PARTING WAYS????
