my parents are financially sound and they come from village background while I studied in cities. I respect them a lot and want all good to happen to them. I am still unmarried, but want to lower as many issues as possible after marriage. I want to stay away from home independent and have complete privacy with my future wife and just live with the issues that we face. My mom is bit possessive and she'd feel bad with me wanting to stay independent. As I said I want them to be good, but again I have my life where I don't want them to influence it. i.e I don't want to regret later in life for not having done certain things because of parental pressure. What should I do ?
Re: want freedom!!
by Hindustaani on Aug 28, 2009 05:41 PM
Get married and be away from parents who were any way away from you while you were studying in cities. This looks like the marimonial advertize for yourself and dont worry you will get lot of proposal just upload your photograph as well. You already have killed your parents. Don't worry now. You do not need any advice.
Re: Re: want freedom!!
by Chandru on Aug 28, 2009 06:02 PM
Ha ha ha.... Hey Hindustaani, frankly speaking i didn't imagine it would be perceived as an advertisement over here, and I didn't have any intentions of advertising myself. I was just frustrated of what to do next and reading the context of the article above thought of checking with what others would have felt. Thanks anyway for your suggestion!!
Re: want freedom!!
by suprabhatam on Aug 30, 2009 08:12 AM
Generally an Indian youth is living in this dilemma. He has to see his career and also he wants to see his parents happy. Much depends what type of life partner u get. Truelly speaking it is pure gamble. You can be a lucky person to find an adjustable and accommodative wife or otherwise also.Since u r in the centre of every thing, u have to take a decisive role, I mean u can tell your would be wife to be tolerante to your parents and your parents should also be accomodative. The above article and the experience of Asha Fernandes is quite eye opener.
Asha Fernandes, I would look at aarti and pujas not as chorus but as celebration of life that enriches otherwise boring mundane work life. Pujas and aartis are beautiful Indian traditions. As for conflicts, wait until you have kids in the mixture. I hope their confusion will not rob them of grounded cultural values other than the MTV values on TV.
Re: Not have as many functions and Aartis and Pujas?
by deepak on Aug 28, 2009 07:51 AM
Asha..nice story..Hinduism is in perfect harmony with surroundings..and it is not so much faith based..I mean you dont get sent to heaven if u didnt believe in rituals..there is no blasphemy in Hinduism...so chill..u are in good flock..Hindus hardly impose beliefs on others...good luck.
Re: Not have as many functions and Aartis and Pujas?
by Robert Joseph on Aug 30, 2009 05:05 PM
How come Aartis and Pujas enrich the boring life? Everything is chorus if you do it without interest.
But the point is both of them are happy in sacrificing few things and not trying to impose.
Well however good the MIL is,however adjusting she is..somewhere deep in her heart she has this feeling that son is no longer considers her for anything, he will always ask for his wife's advise.This will make her insecure and in turn will start creating problems to DIL. Also if you notice the MIL will never abuse/complain/treat badly the DIL in front of her son. She will always praise her when son is there because that will give the son a sense of feeling about how good his mom is treating his wife. But he will not know when he is not there, his mom will sweetly condemn,not like,not accept his wife's behaviour. Even though the DIL is working, she makes sure that she handles both work-family-cooking-cleaning of the house. She will also make sure she will not speak anything that will hurt her in-laws sentiments, still MIL will complain that nobody will cook for her, nobody will care for her,she is tired and needs rest in her life. Respect will never come from MIL, she thinks she has to have the hold on the family and everything has to be done her way, because all these years she has done it that way. MILs are not ready for change as per situation.What MIL will not understand is that DIL has left all her people back home and come her to adjust and be with her husband. She needs time for herself and needs respect too. This is never ending however sweet and adjusting the DILs are.
Re: Not true always!
by shailesh sinha on Aug 28, 2009 04:26 AM
All faults are of MIL?? This shows how accomdative you are, although u expect ur MIL to be accomodative
Re: Not true always!
by krishna tripathi on Aug 30, 2009 04:06 PM
DIL is the root cause of family problems in most of the cases. she is the one who starts feeding the husband against his own family members. there are husbands who blindly believe what their wife says. but majority will not accept without sound reasoning. the wife will insist on separate accomodation. if the husband resists, there is 498a and DV act to help the DIL!!! women are all berserk.
Re: Not true always!
by Mahesh Chavan on Aug 28, 2009 02:22 PM
It could be true what you are saying. You might be thinking that what ever you are doing is correct, whatever others are doing is wrong and it is always the same at the other side. The problem starts when you call them as MIL why can not you call them the same way you call your mother and save the MIL's mobile number in your mobile with MIL why not MOM? You think that you are sweet, my question is do all others think the same about you? Who know what is in your mind? You can never judge a women's mind. You are thinking that you have left your people back home and come here to adjust and stay with your husband, but not with the entire family. This family may include your husband's people. What is the problem for you to adjust with your husband's people and call them your own now? The first thing you need to do is to respect elders in your home and then you will get it back. Your husband's parent have made your husband. They have taught him to stand on his legs and also earning as much as you want him to. If he spends something for his mother and siblings you will have problem, saying the money is ours and bla bla bla... Non sense.
It is unfortunate that despite of being female both M-I-L and D-I-L do not go together. The very feeling is so distrubing that one get upst for whole life.
Re: Re: unfortunate
by SANDEEP AGARWAL on Aug 27, 2009 01:48 PM
Had that been the case, the situation of friction can not arise at 1st place. The thought of respect is not the point. In any case one is expected to respect.
The issue is that the new bahus are much more educated and financially independent than their mothers-in-law and have different definitions of being a wife and a daughter-in-law.
They will not put up with many things that our mothers were unfairly made to do or follow. Now the mother's issue is genuine as well. She did lot more duties and expects her bahu to do the same, she does not want to be in the receiving end both as a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.
However since times have changed there has to be a balance, but who will bring it? It has to be brought by us, the son and the husband. Often problems arise because the guy in this equation did not define proper ground rules for the family where no one can harass anyone and would enjoy their space and rights.
Often the son/husband takes the easy way out and favours the wife or mother and one of them is discriminated against. Actually the man in the house can do a lot with logic and patience to sort out these issues. He may get flak from both ends but in the long run it helps.
