By the logic men have equal right to choose whether they want to provide for his to be wife or not. After all he too is not getting paid in taking care of his to be wife. What is wrong in men expecting a woman to be loving and caring when a woman expects her man to earn six figure salary, fulfill her material desires and also help her maternal family out in certain times of crisis. If this is the attitude to today's modern Indian woman then its better that they do not enter the institution of marriage at all.
Re: By that logic
by Venkat Ramana on Oct 18, 2016 09:36 PM
Absolutely right. Men are by default expected to earn the bread and butter for family even if they are not financially well, physically or emotionally not well, but their job is definitely to keep the wife and her mother happy. What is needed a good understanding between wife and husband and if they can stay within their comfort zones without imposing or changing each other and at the same time keep each others in-laws at bay, thats a wonderful secret to a succesful marraige and happy kids.
Re: By that logic
by Venkat Ramana on Oct 18, 2016 09:36 PM
Absolutely right. Men are by default expected to earn the bread and butter for family even if they are not financially well, physically or emotionally not well, but their job is definitely to keep the wife and her mother happy. What is needed a good understanding between wife and husband and if they can stay within their comfort zones without imposing or changing each other and at the same time keep each others in-laws at bay, thats a wonderful secret to a succesful marraige and happy kids.
Re: Re: By that logic
by divya nair on Oct 19, 2016 12:06 PM
By the same default, women are expected to take care of either sets of parents, quit their jobs to take care of their kids. A woman is also the first one expected to sacrifice by default. It's only when she chooses not to, for her own reasons, the problem arises. Even I endorse the idea that there has to be a good understanding between the wife and the husband, and either sets of parents for a successful marriage. It is a collective responsibility.
By the logic men have equal right to choose whether they want to provide for his to be wife or not. After all he too is not getting paid in taking care of his to be wife. What is wrong in men expecting a woman to be loving and caring when a woman expects her man to earn six figure salary, fulfill her material desires and also help her maternal family out in certain times of crisis. If this is the attitude to today's modern Indian woman then its better that they do not enter the institution of marriage at all.
By the logic men have equal right to choose whether they want to provide for his to be wife or not. After all he too is not getting paid in taking care of his to be wife. What is wrong in men expecting a woman to be loving and caring when a woman expects her man to earn six figure salary, fulfill her material desires and also help her maternal family out in certain times of crisis. If this is the attitude to today's modern Indian woman then its better that they do not enter the institution of marriage at all.
Re: By that logic
by divya nair on Oct 18, 2016 04:30 PM
The patriarchal system made perfect sense decades ago, when women weren't allowed to study and travel for work; they had no choice, but to depend on the earning member of the family for every decision. Even in modern times there are women and men who quit their jobs and 'choose' to stay at home and take care of their families. It is their choice. At the same time, in these times when women earn equally as men, they would expect the family members to share the responsibilities equally rather enforce it on just one person -- be it parents, the husband or the wife. Is that too much to ask for? Providing financial aid alone doesn't help. If you have a partner who doesn't love you, doesn't respect your family and loots you 'materialistically' and 'emotionally' (subjective) then you are in the wrong marriage.
Re: Re: By that logic
by Sachin Kadam on Oct 18, 2016 09:40 PM
Shedding away responsibilities does not justify freedom. Some women just marry for the sake of money and to misuse the law. I agree , the mother in law should treat well her daughter in law.But do you think , it is fun for mother in laws to trouble daughter in law? As you said , every family member should share responsibility.Does it mean that mother in law should be thrown out of house? Breaking is not the solution. Talking and discussing with family members is the only solution. Install CCTV cameras in living rooms then. But if the matters are taken to court 99% of the relations die. Because lawyers will get money only if marriage breaks or the case keeps extending.
Re: Re: By that logic
by Sachin Kadam on Oct 18, 2016 09:40 PM
Shedding away responsibilities does not justify freedom. Some women just marry for the sake of money and to misuse the law. I agree , the mother in law should treat well her daughter in law.But do you think , it is fun for mother in laws to trouble daughter in law? As you said , every family member should share responsibility.Does it mean that mother in law should be thrown out of house? Breaking is not the solution. Talking and discussing with family members is the only solution. Install CCTV cameras in living rooms then. But if the matters are taken to court 99% of the relations die. Because lawyers will get money only if marriage breaks or the case keeps extending.
Re: Re: By that logic
by Sachin Kadam on Oct 18, 2016 09:40 PM
Shedding away responsibilities does not justify freedom. Some women just marry for the sake of money and to misuse the law. I agree , the mother in law should treat well her daughter in law.But do you think , it is fun for mother in laws to trouble daughter in law? As you said , every family member should share responsibility.Does it mean that mother in law should be thrown out of house? Breaking is not the solution. Talking and discussing with family members is the only solution. Install CCTV cameras in living rooms then. But if the matters are taken to court 99% of the relations die. Because lawyers will get money only if marriage breaks or the case keeps extending.
Re: Re: By that logic
by Sachin Kadam on Oct 18, 2016 09:40 PM
Shedding away responsibilities does not justify freedom. Some women just marry for the sake of money and to misuse the law. I agree , the mother in law should treat well her daughter in law.But do you think , it is fun for mother in laws to trouble daughter in law? As you said , every family member should share responsibility.Does it mean that mother in law should be thrown out of house? Breaking is not the solution. Talking and discussing with family members is the only solution. Install CCTV cameras in living rooms then. But if the matters are taken to court 99% of the relations die. Because lawyers will get money only if marriage breaks or the case keeps extending.
Re: Re: By that logic
by Sachin Kadam on Oct 18, 2016 09:40 PM
Shedding away responsibilities does not justify freedom. Some women just marry for the sake of money and to misuse the law. I agree , the mother in law should treat well her daughter in law.But do you think , it is fun for mother in laws to trouble daughter in law? As you said , every family member should share responsibility.Does it mean that mother in law should be thrown out of house? Breaking is not the solution. Talking and discussing with family members is the only solution. Install CCTV cameras in living rooms then. But if the matters are taken to court 99% of the relations die. Because lawyers will get money only if marriage breaks or the case keeps extending.
Re: Re: By that logic
by Sachin Kadam on Oct 18, 2016 09:40 PM
Shedding away responsibilities does not justify freedom. Some women just marry for the sake of money and to misuse the law. I agree , the mother in law should treat well her daughter in law.But do you think , it is fun for mother in laws to trouble daughter in law? As you said , every family member should share responsibility.Does it mean that mother in law should be thrown out of house? Breaking is not the solution. Talking and discussing with family members is the only solution. Install CCTV cameras in living rooms then. But if the matters are taken to court 99% of the relations die. Because lawyers will get money only if marriage breaks or the case keeps extending.
This reflect the narrow mentality of author who doesn't know anything about marriage,family and relationship. People like her adulterated the mind of common women who doesn't apply brain and consider working for family as UNPAID JOB. Does she herself know the meaning of relationship ??
From the post it seems She must be failure in maintaining any relationship as she consider everything should be compensated materialistically. You can't compensate emotion,love and peace with the exchange of materialism. It ONLY comes through sacrifice, be it in any form. You may do/display/mean love by both giving and giving up for your beloved one happiness
People like the author write these kind of article for cheap publicity. She forgot that human is a social animal and can't survive without family love. She just promotes selfishness and degradation of women's character.
She try to say those who works for family are full time maid. I would like to say that working for family inside/outside, they are working for the betterment of each and every member of family. Without family you can't servive in long run.
People like her are BEE, who will leave all beautiful body apart and sit on the wound only whereas our Indian women are and were like Honey bee who can extract honey from even rotten flower.She is just trying to convert you as Bee from Honeybee. Choice is yours and decide what you want to be ???
Re: Re: Author promotes selfishness and carelessness
by rama shankar on Oct 18, 2016 04:34 PM
Your reply shows what kind of cheap publicity you are looking for ??? People like you will get instant gratification but will never peace and happiness.
Re: Re: Re: Author promotes selfishness and carelessness
by divya nair on Oct 18, 2016 05:29 PM
Just like you passed your instant judgement without reading the entire piece?
Re: Re: Re: Re: Author promotes selfishness and carelessness
by thilak iyadurai on Oct 19, 2016 02:41 PM
It\'s your habit to generalize the thing and judge entire women community based on your baseless thinking !!!! Who are you to make a general statement like this \"If you are looking for a full-time, unpaid maid or caretaker in your life partner, you do not understand marriage at all\"
Tell me which relationship can survive without trust,sacrifice ??? In any happy relationship,both partner(be it parent-children, husband-wife) has to do sacrifice. You may sacrifice your time, your comfort, your materialism, your happiness and even your own interest,for your beloved happiness.....
Specially, in husband-wife relation,both partner are committed to each other to ALWAYS give with best of their abilities. This can\'t be achieve without having trust and sacrifice.
What you are trying to do here ??? you are preaching about individualism and selfishness ??? Individualism is a CANCER not only for self but for family,society and country. You should be ashamed of yourself.
if you truly love someone (boyfriend,parent,kid or anybody), you may come to know about relationship and its importance but I am sorry to say that Person like you may even feel that taking care of their own children is an UNPAID JOB, isn\'t it ??? Please comment.
This reflect the narrow mentality of author who doesn\'t know anything about marriage,family and relationship. People like her adulterated the mind of common women who doesn\'t apply brain and consider working for family as UNPAID JOB. Does she herself know the meaning of relationship ??
From the post it seems She must be failure in maintaining any relationship as she consider everything should be compensated materialistically. You can\'t compensate emotion,love and peace with the exchange of materialism. It ONLY comes through sacrifice, be it in any form. You may do/display/mean love by both giving and giving up for your beloved one happiness She forgot that human is a social animal and can\'t survive without family love. She just promotes selfishness and instant gratification.
She said those who works for family are full time maid. I would like to say that working for family inside/outside, they are working for the betterment of each and every member of family. Without family you can\'t survive in long run.
People like her are BEE, who will leave all beautiful body apart and sit on the wound only whereas our Indian women are and were like Honey bee who can extract honey from even rotten flower.She is just trying to convert you as Bee from Honeybee. Choice is yours and decide what you want to be ???
Both partners are not equal in all aspect except commitment towards each other. Hence they should be working as a team and compensate other in physical, mental
If a man cannot take care of his old and ailing parents after marriage, then why to marry at all? There are other avenues and means of fulfilling ones desires. And there is a long tradition of Asceticism in India which men can follow like Shravan Kumar and not leave their loving parents who cared for him and looked after him all this time. It's the girls who don't understand the meaning of marriage. But why to teach them. They want to hide their selfishness under the garb of independence. Are they really selfish and self-serving? Are you trying to justify the words of Shri Tulsidas, Miss Divya.
Re: Meaning of marriage
by divya nair on Oct 18, 2016 03:51 PM
Kindly explain 'selfishness' to me. When following patriarchy, does a man consider his wife selfish when she leaves her parents' home to stay with her husband's family? Please do not generalise my thoughts and highlight what you found unsettling, I have presented all sides of the story (do read the entire piece) and the solution too: 'In a successful marriage, there has to be a way for the two of you to collectively contribute to the family.'
The problem with the author is that she is trying to see the overall indian value system with western spectacles. A Marriage creates new relationships not only among the husband and wife, but also among families involved. These relationships are a source of power,status,security besides of course love and affection. With all this comes great responsibility. FIL, MIL, DIL,SIL all have their responsibilities to fulfill. None is paid job, Different ppl fulfill it to diff levels and each one may have their own justification for it. But the indian value system is such that everyone understands & chips in when the going is bad while the leader of the house takes all the blame for everything going bad. The DIL has a unique position in that she provides the conduit for one generation of a family to build bridges with the next generation & take the legacy forward. As long as unreasonable demands are not made, DIL's cannot complain about their position in the value system as it comes with both great benefits and responsiblities. Things can go wrong as it does in any system as no system is foolproof..The courts then takeover & adjudicate, but even if granted a divorce, the courts take care of her needs in the form of a divorce & settlement along with alimony as per law. If a woman understands the indian value system and gets into a marriage to become not just a wife but a DIL too , i think she Will have nothing to complain
Re: Author does not comprehend indian value system
by divya nair on Oct 18, 2016 03:41 PM
Dear sir, when you say western spectacles, I assume you do not wear, buy or consume anything that is not Indian. So I would love to know from you how Indian values are different, superior and yes, perfect from so-called 'western values' in the present context where women are also working, inventing and shaping the world, equally as men? The Indian value system according to me, needs to consider and accommodate the changing demands of time and its people, young and old and be more inclusive, than one-sided. The daughter-in-law is also a human being just like any other.
Re: Re: Author does not comprehend indian value system
by Adarsh Chanakya on Oct 18, 2016 03:50 PM
Of course daughter in law is a human being and needs love, affection, respect just like her in laws need. So, just because she is unable to accomodate in her in laws house, she should neither leave her matrimonial home nor force her husband to leave his parents. Otherwise where is the family and family values for which the man married. If a man cannot take care of his old and ailing parents after marriage, then why to marry at all? There are other avenues and means of fulfilling ones desires. And there is a long tradition of Asceticism in India which men can follow like Shravan Kumar and not leave their loving parents who cared for him and looked after him all this time. It's the girls who don't understand the meaning of marriage. But why to teach them. They want to hide their selfishness under the garb of independence. Are they really selfish and self-serving? Are you trying to justify the words of Shri Tulsidas, Miss Divya?
Re: Re: Author does not comprehend indian value system
by saravana kodandapani on Oct 22, 2016 11:40 AM
Dear Divya, Some things in the indian value system define the system and so are non negotiable. One such thing is the Indian/Hindu marriage where it is considered as a union of 2 families rather than 2 souls. For those 2 souls to be happy and succeed, the relevant generation before them and the generation after them have to chip in their bit to steer the ship uniformly. We need the elders support in the early stages of our life and we need our childrens support in the later stages of our life. For some, this support is material, for many this support is material and abstract or intangible in the form of love and affection. In the west the state gives the material support wherever families are not able to provide, Even there the care in the form of love and affection is lacking. In our country, the state hardly provides material support to its underprivileged, and if you start advocating that families too of whom the DIL is a important part start legitimately neglecting their previous generation and their future generation like in the west, then you have to be labelled as Dull Divya and not Dhool Divya.. :-) Just a joke but pls ponder..
Re: Re: Re: Author does not comprehend indian value system
by saravana kodandapani on Oct 22, 2016 11:56 AM
So I would love to know from you how Indian values are different, superior and yes, perfect from so-called 'western values' in the present context where women are also working, inventing and shaping the world, equally as men? This question needs to be answered in the context of the overall duties and responsibilities of the DIL. If she can fullfill all those and still wishes to work and complement the income or even become the primary bread winner, then it is ok. But if she has to sacrifice her primary responsibilities and just earn..with no one to take care of her other responsibilities, then it is not ok.. The same thing applies for SIL,MIL,FIL etc.. Each one has a set of primary responsibilites in different stages of his/her life and if they can outsource it to others and monitor effectively, they can take up the second set of responsibilities, but not at the cost of their primary responsibilites. It may so happen that the male breadwinner is not discharging his primary responsibilites effectively and so there is a additional burden on the DIL to take up more earning responsiblities, This however does not still mean that she can neglect her children or the aged parents without making suitable arrangements. The primary responsibilities are non negotiable..on everyone. That is why the male pays the alimony to the female even in case of divorce in our system..
The problem with the author is that she is trying to see the overall indian value system with western spectacles. A Marriage creates new relationships not only among the husband and wife, but also among families involved. These relationships are a source of power,status,security besides of course love and affection. With all this comes great responsibility. FIL, MIL, DIL,SIL all have their responsibilities to fulfill. None is paid job, Different ppl fulfill it to diff levels and each one may have their own justification for it. But the indian value system is such that everyone understands & chips in when the going is bad while the leader of the house takes all the blame for everything going bad. The DIL has a unique position in that she provides the conduit for one generation of a family to build bridges with the next generation & take the legacy forward. As long as unreasonable demands are not made, DIL's cannot complain about their position in the value system as it comes with both great benefits and responsiblities. Things can go wrong as it does in any system as no system is foolproof..The courts then takeover & adjudicate, but even if granted a divorce, the courts take care of her needs in the form of a divorce & settlement along with alimony as per law. If a woman understands the indian value system and gets into a marriage to become not just a wife but a DIL too , i think she Will have nothing to complain
The problem with the author is that she is trying to see the overall indian value system with western spectacles. A Marriage creates new relationships not only among the husband and wife, but also among families involved. These relationships are a source of power,status,security besides of course love and affection. With all this comes great responsibility. FIL, MIL, DIL,SIL all have their responsibilities to fulfill. None is paid job, Different ppl fulfill it to diff levels and each one may have their own justification for it. But the indian value system is such that everyone understands & chips in when the going is bad while the leader of the house takes all the blame for everything going bad. The DIL has a unique position in that she provides the conduit for one generation of a family to build bridges with the next generation & take the legacy forward. As long as unreasonable demands are not made, DIL's cannot complain about their position in the value system as it comes with both great benefits and responsiblities. Things can go wrong as it does in any system as no system is foolproof..The courts then takeover & adjudicate, but even if granted a divorce, the courts take care of her needs in the form of a divorce & settlement along with alimony as per law. If a woman understands the indian value system and gets into a marriage to become not just a wife but a DIL too , i think she Will have nothing to complain
The problem with the author is that she is trying to see the overall indian value system with western spectacles. A Marriage creates new relationships not only among the husband and wife, but also among families involved. These relationships are a source of power,status,security besides of course love and affection. With all this comes great responsibility. FIL, MIL, DIL,SIL all have their responsibilities to fulfill. None is paid job, Different ppl fulfill it to diff levels and each one may have their own justification for it. But the indian value system is such that everyone understands & chips in when the going is bad while the leader of the house takes all the blame for everything going bad. The DIL has a unique position in that she provides the conduit for one generation of a family to build bridges with the next generation & take the legacy forward. As long as unreasonable demands are not made, DIL's cannot complain about their position in the value system as it comes with both great benefits and responsiblities. Things can go wrong as it does in any system as no system is foolproof..The courts then takeover & adjudicate, but even if granted a divorce, the courts take care of her needs in the form of a divorce & settlement along with alimony as per law. If a woman understands the indian value system and gets into a marriage to become not just a wife but a DIL too , i think she Will have nothing to complain
