I would like to thank you all for your valued advise.
Yeah i understand that living like this doesnt mean anything...but I am a very insecure person..may be my past has made me...never trust anyone..and always demand a safe place for myself and kids. This is the main reason I am not able to go my ways although i am employed and financially independent. The major negative think in me is I pretend to be happy in front of others and hence this causes of lot of conflicts within me.
My husband is otherwise OK as this is the only problem I see that he feels superior and thinks that has got the right to say anything about me. He doesnt understand that I have also a mind of my own which cant absorb everything he says. I myself have gone through the situation where absence of father has created a lot of pain and distress and I dont want my kids to go through the same.
AS you all suggested, I will definitely consult a marriage counsellor and see if there is anything that I can do to control his behaviour. The most difficult part is that he behaves in a very caring and loving way after one or two days of his harrassment.
There is no point going to his relatives as all of them have a very perfect pix of him and doesnt have the guts to put things in his mind.
Thank you once again...I feel more relaxed after discussing my issue...as I have never shared my probs with any friends of mine thinking they would downgrade me.
I would like to thank you all for your valued advise.
Yeah i understand that living like this doesnt mean anything...but I am a very insecure person..may be my past has made me...never trust anyone..and always demand a safe place for myself and kids. This is the main reason I am not able to go my ways although i am employed and financially independent. The major negative think in me is I pretend to be happy in front of others and hence this causes of lot of conflicts within me.
My husband is otherwise OK as this is the only problem I see that he feels superior and thinks that has got the right to say anything about me. He doesnt understand that I have also a mind of my own which cant absorb everything he says. I myself have gone through the situation where absence of father has created a lot of pain and distress and I dont want my kids to go through the same.
AS you all suggested, I will definitely consult a marriage counsellor and see if there is anything that I can do to control his behaviour. The most difficult part is that he behaves in a very caring and loving way after one or two days of his harrassment.
There is no point going to his relatives as all of them have a very perfect pix of him and doesnt have the guts to put things in his mind.
Thank you once again...I feel more relaxed after discussing my issue...as I have never shared my probs with any friends of mine thinking they would downgrade me.
I would like to thank you all for your valued advise.
Yeah i understand that living like this doesnt mean anything...but I am a very insecure person..may be my past has made me...never trust anyone..and always demand a safe place for myself and kids. This is the main reason I am not able to go my ways although i am employed and financially independent. The major negative think in me is I pretend to be happy in front of others and hence this causes of lot of conflicts within me.
My husband is otherwise OK as this is the only problem I see that he feels superior and thinks that has got the right to say anything about me. He doesnt understand that I have also a mind of my own which cant absorb everything he says. I myself have gone through the situation where absence of father has created a lot of pain and distress and I dont want my kids to go through the same.
AS you all suggested, I will definitely consult a marriage counsellor and see if there is anything that I can do to control his behaviour. The most difficult part is that he behaves in a very caring and loving way after one or two days of his harrassment.
There is no point going to his relatives as all of them have a very perfect pix of him and doesnt have the guts to put things in his mind.
Thank you once again...I feel more relaxed after discussing my issue...as I have never shared my probs with any friends of mine thinking they would downgrade me.
I would like to thank you all for your valued advise.
Yeah i understand that living like this doesnt mean anything...but I am a very insecure person..may be my past has made me...never trust anyone..and always demand a safe place for myself and kids. This is the main reason I am not able to go my ways although i am employed and financially independent. The major negative think in me is I pretend to be happy in front of others and hence this causes of lot of conflicts within me.
My husband is otherwise OK as this is the only problem I see that he feels superior and thinks that has got the right to say anything about me. He doesnt understand that I have also a mind of my own which cant absorb everything he says. I myself have gone through the situation where absence of father has created a lot of pain and distress and I dont want my kids to go through the same.
AS you all suggested, I will definitely consult a marriage counsellor and see if there is anything that I can do to control his behaviour. The most difficult part is that he behaves in a very caring and loving way after one or two days of his harrassment.
There is no point going to his relatives as all of them have a very perfect pix of him and doesnt have the guts to put things in his mind.
Thank you once again...I feel more relaxed after discussing my issue...as I have never shared my probs with any friends of mine thinking they would downgrade me.
i have been married for more than 8 yrs. now. Mine was a late marriage coz I never trusted the constitution of marriage. Since my childhood I have seen my dad giving a lot of physical and mental torture to my mom..when I grow older i.e. 25 there were a lot of pressure from society on my mother for getting me and my sister married..Earlier my mom was OK with our decision of not getting married but later on she succumbed to neighbours and relatives advises. She assured us that after getting married I can detach myself from my father's shadow, who by now was living with another women. I got married but had informed my husband all about my family. I thought he would be understanding and will make me forget my suffering but things have proved wrong. Whenever he gets upset with me, he takes the topic of my father, he abuses me by saying about him...it really hurts as even though he is bad and done so many things to us but hearing such things from my husband is killing me. This is still continuing and I dont know how to escape from this. I want this marriage to survive just for the sake of my kids otherwise, there is nothing in my heart and mind for him. Please advise.
Re: Re: marriage
by Sandhya Nambiar on Jan 07, 2015 11:48 AM
Hi,
I would like to thank you all for your valued advise.
Yeah i understand that living like this doesnt mean anything...but I am a very insecure person..may be my past has made me...never trust anyone..and always demand a safe place for myself and kids. This is the main reason I am not able to go my ways although i am employed and financially independent. The major negative think in me is I pretend to be happy in front of others and hence this causes of lot of conflicts within me.
My husband is otherwise OK as this is the only problem I see that he feels superior and thinks that has got the right to say anything about me. He doesnt understand that I have also a mind of my own which cant absorb everything he says. I myself have gone through the situation where absence of father has created a lot of pain and distress and I dont want my kids to go through the same.
AS you all suggested, I will definitely consult a marriage counsellor and see if there is anything that I can do to control his behaviour. The most difficult part is that he behaves in a very caring and loving way after one or two days of his harrassment.
There is no point going to his relatives as all of them have a very perfect pix of him and doesnt have the guts to put things in his mind.
Thank you once again...I feel more relaxed after discussing my issue...as I have never shared my probs with any friends of mine thinking they will downgrade me.
Re: Re: marriage
by Sandhya Nambiar on Jan 07, 2015 11:48 AM
Hi,
I would like to thank you all for your valued advise.
Yeah i understand that living like this doesnt mean anything...but I am a very insecure person..may be my past has made me...never trust anyone..and always demand a safe place for myself and kids. This is the main reason I am not able to go my ways although i am employed and financially independent. The major negative think in me is I pretend to be happy in front of others and hence this causes of lot of conflicts within me.
My husband is otherwise OK as this is the only problem I see that he feels superior and thinks that has got the right to say anything about me. He doesnt understand that I have also a mind of my own which cant absorb everything he says. I myself have gone through the situation where absence of father has created a lot of pain and distress and I dont want my kids to go through the same.
AS you all suggested, I will definitely consult a marriage counsellor and see if there is anything that I can do to control his behaviour. The most difficult part is that he behaves in a very caring and loving way after one or two days of his harrassment.
There is no point going to his relatives as all of them have a very perfect pix of him and doesnt have the guts to put things in his mind.
Thank you once again...I feel more relaxed after discussing my issue...as I have never shared my probs with any friends of mine thinking they will downgrade me.
Re: Re: marriage
by Sandhya Nambiar on Jan 07, 2015 11:48 AM
Hi,
I would like to thank you all for your valued advise.
Yeah i understand that living like this doesnt mean anything...but I am a very insecure person..may be my past has made me...never trust anyone..and always demand a safe place for myself and kids. This is the main reason I am not able to go my ways although i am employed and financially independent. The major negative think in me is I pretend to be happy in front of others and hence this causes of lot of conflicts within me.
My husband is otherwise OK as this is the only problem I see that he feels superior and thinks that has got the right to say anything about me. He doesnt understand that I have also a mind of my own which cant absorb everything he says. I myself have gone through the situation where absence of father has created a lot of pain and distress and I dont want my kids to go through the same.
AS you all suggested, I will definitely consult a marriage counsellor and see if there is anything that I can do to control his behaviour. The most difficult part is that he behaves in a very caring and loving way after one or two days of his harrassment.
There is no point going to his relatives as all of them have a very perfect pix of him and doesnt have the guts to put things in his mind.
Thank you once again...I feel more relaxed after discussing my issue...as I have never shared my probs with any friends of mine thinking they will downgrade me.
Re: Re: marriage
by Sandhya Nambiar on Jan 07, 2015 11:49 AM
Hi,
I would like to thank you all for your valued advise.
Yeah i understand that living like this doesnt mean anything...but I am a very insecure person..may be my past has made me...never trust anyone..and always demand a safe place for myself and kids. This is the main reason I am not able to go my ways although i am employed and financially independent. The major negative think in me is I pretend to be happy in front of others and hence this causes of lot of conflicts within me.
My husband is otherwise OK as this is the only problem I see that he feels superior and thinks that has got the right to say anything about me. He doesnt understand that I have also a mind of my own which cant absorb everything he says. I myself have gone through the situation where absence of father has created a lot of pain and distress and I dont want my kids to go through the same.
AS you all suggested, I will definitely consult a marriage counsellor and see if there is anything that I can do to control his behaviour. The most difficult part is that he behaves in a very caring and loving way after one or two days of his harrassment.
There is no point going to his relatives as all of them have a very perfect pix of him and doesnt have the guts to put things in his mind.
Thank you once again...I feel more relaxed after discussing my issue...as I have never shared my probs with any friends of mine thinking they will downgrade me.
Re: marriage
by abhinav jain on Jan 07, 2015 08:31 AM
Sandhya, I feel for you.
I know the feeling of entrapment and being shown no value that you are going through amongst other things.
In my own bad shares of experience in my immediate family and all others I have seen, I have realised no person changes or mends his way until he realises what he is doing wrong. For that to happen the person would have to notice a change in you to cause an effect. The change should be being more independent and less dependent on him.
You sound like a good person and it's my sincere advise to not waste the time by 'hoping'.
Please visit a marraige counsellor, a psychiatrist or a psychologist. They can be expensive. But if any relation is meant to survive and grow ahead, then trust me, any third opinion and intervention would be welcomed as an eye opener.
Re: marriage
by CBNV Prasad on Jan 07, 2015 08:43 AM
Just some random thoughts : yes, the condition is pitiable; and the pressure you pile on yourself to somehow continue being bound within the institution can make our lives miserable. Do consider visiting a Counselor too, speaking with somebody from your husband's side (whom you can take into confidence, else NO), speaking with friend/s of his or common friends too (again, with the same trust/confidence condition)....etc. Pray the Almighty, keep thinking....hope you may positively come up with a happy solution. - Regards.
Re: marriage
by Zeng on Jan 07, 2015 11:14 AM
Sandhya, sorry to say, but your husband is a cheap man and has no values. You trust somebody with your most important feelings and secrets, he use the same to abuse you and settle the scores. Unfortunately the man you got is not a lot different than the man your mother got.
It is not right to tell you break your relation just based on one particular aspect of your life. You need to make a proper evaluation of your life, just like the SWOT analysis people do for business. Think objectively if you are happier living alone or with this man, whether you can support yourself(if you have a job / assets) and be independent in every aspect of life. If not, can you give yourself some time and work towards it, while you try to see if this marriage can be saved.
I understand the issues with kids, that is very much valid. But that alone is not good enough reason to tolerate a bad marriage for life. Kids may actually become more independedent and happy in a happy family where they don't see their parents fight. Over a period of time, kids can adjust to a new way of life - as human beings, we all can adjust to the situation you are in. As for their future, just understand that we live in a changing times and they may not anyway prefer an arranged marriage.
So basically, I would suggest you to consider all aspects that are good and bad about this marriage. Try to see if there are some good qualities in this man, which you take for granted. If you feel your life can be better without him,
Re: Re: marriage
by Zeng on Jan 07, 2015 11:18 AM
you will have to take a decision. Think about it, don't be too concerned about the kids, as years go, they will need you less and less. A lot of widows live happily with their kids - a happy home is what they need. Give it a thought, take some time to reach a decision, but never close the door to one of the options because of society, kids or anything else. It is your life and you don't have to be a doormat for someone who don't care about your feelings. As a husband and father of two kids, I can assure you that this is not how all men treat their family and women. There are issues in every family and your husband is supposed to help you overcome and give you a better life and make you forget your past.
Re: marriage
by marathimanus on Jan 07, 2015 10:28 AM
Sorry to say ma'm, you said "it really hurts as even though he is bad and done so many things to us but hearing such things from my husband is killing me"
Do you agree that majority of females in india criticizes their in laws in front of husband even when he feels they are not wrong... 90 % indian men are facing this ...
i am not favouring your HB. but i think if you never hurt his feeling about his patients he will never do it with you. worth giving a try...
